22nd September 2017 Morning News Wrap

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M68!: Morning News Wrap. From around the Globe to your Frontal Lobe. Good Morning. Here is the News:

 

Tony Abbott headbutted by a same sex marriage campaigner – left bleeding from the face.….Headline on the Project tonight will be…..Tony Abbott uses his face to assault the forehead of a man who was simply standing for love.

 

Canberra breastfeeding mum has given a raging woman a great comeback after the woman demanded she cover up while she fed because her husband couldn’t stop ogling…..so she covered her face….see pic….Gold.

 

Sydney dentists denies dozens of child sex charges.

 

The RBA is concerned about the level of Australia’s debt.

 

Trump orders blacklist on North Korean business partners….kind of the political version of the Soap Nazi…..NO BUSINESS FOR YOU…..that’s for the Seinfeld devotees.

 

At the same time, South Korea is sending a $10 million aid package to North Korea….probably a large horse statute…..that’s for the history buffs.

 

Hurricane Maria has totally obliterated island of 3.4 million.

 

A lesbian couple in the US has been jailed for 20 years for beating their five year old adopted son so bad he had two strokes.

 

A family in the UK have just welcomed their 20th child…..apparently they don’t like reality TV and so seeing that’s all that is on TV these days……

 

Jet runs off the runaway at Istanbul….Turkey!

 

275 people have died in Mexico as a result of the earthquake…the world is focused on a 12 year old girl who is trapped in the rubble of the school. Had the same girl lived in Nigeria and been kidnapped by Boko Haram…the world would not be as focused on her resuce…..#doublestandards.

 

6th person arrested in relation to the subway bucket bombing…..probably will all be released in a few days as that’s the normal way it happens….press releases on the arrests and everyone feels safe….then they release them a few days later and no one ever knows.

 

A brother and sister in France who made a baby have been given the right to officially be named as the parents on the birth certificate. For the record….they didn’t know they were brother and sister at the time of the um…..’cuddle’.

 

And on that note…..cya.

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21st September 2017 Morning News Wrap

M68!: Morning News Wrap. From around the Globe to your Frontal Lobe. Good Morning. Here is the News:

 

Clearly I am talkative this morning…..

 

Aussie woman dies in front of her boyfriend after they crashed whilst riding a motorbike in Bali.

 

Great White Sharks have been swarming off Nobby’s beach at Port Macquarie after an 18 tonne whale was buried on the beach two days ago….I suggest they erect large pictures of Mick Fanning to frighten the sharks away…..also pictures of the last hole in a major golf tournaments used to frighten The Great White Shark away.

 

The mother of a 16 year old girl who was killed when the stolen speeding car she was a passenger in crashed into a truck in Melbourne says ‘she just wants her baby back’. The pain must be awful.

 

Ten creditors accept CBS bid.

 

Australia joins US to boycott UN Treaty banning Nuclear Weapons.

 

East Coast of OZ set to scorch with 40 degree temps.

 

Man head butts car window in road rage attack.

 

170,000 cases of the flu have been recorded this year…with an investigation now into the effectiveness of the flu vaccine.

 

Police have seized a cache of unregistered guns at Tenterfield…..The man arrested was not a saddler…..that’s a joke for country music lovers…..well both of you at least.

 

Man charged over sex attacks on Queensland children in care.

 

A man who married a 14 year old girl in Melbourne has told a court he thought he was rescuing her……Yeah that’s believable….

 

Fair Work wants to investigate teen ‘let go’ over No Vote views for unfair dismissal. Good.

 

Perth Mother of 3 has been left paralyzed after trying to rescue a kitten from a tree.

 

Telstra apologises after Aldi employee helps grandfather figure out his new smartphone…..well everyone knows that you don’t ring Telstra if you actually want some help.

 

A 6.3 magnitude earthquake has struck Vanuatu.

 

The death toll from the Mexican Earthquake has past 270 people.

 

Headline reads…this is why Mexico keeps getting hit by earthquakes….didn’t open it as I assumed it was an article written by a hipster journalist sucking on his double shot half strength Americano Coffee in a extra fast bio degradable cup, who graduated from a South African online Journalist School at 6:25 this morning, who was blaming Trump’s policies on immigration discrimination, the No Vote camp in Australia or the changes that have been made to the AFL logo…..They are called Tectonic plates and fault lines people. They move….buildings fall down.

 

Two earthquakes shake NZ…..no mention of this from the Hipster….probably too busy trimming his beard.

 

Russian army helicopter rocket accidently hits bystanders…..should have gone to Specsavers.

 

Woman Kayaker in the Amazon has been shot and killed by pirates who killed her for her Go Pro. Wonder if there was a Pirate called Sebastion….this is an injoke between Laura and I over dinner last night…..sorry everyone else who has spent 7 seconds reading this last sentence….its been a waste of your time…..unless you are from Victoria then it may have taken you somewhat longer to read the sentence in which case I need to apologise for a substantially longer time…and for the rest of the readers….why are you still reading this after clearly its wasting time and there is absolutely no useful information at the end of the paragraph…..ok I will throw you something just because you have persevered to the end….the breaking news on SkyNews is that the Fed Reserve in the US has kept interest rates on hold….whilst this appears good news…it shows that the Fed isn’t super happy with the rate of growth of the US economy.

 

A woman in the UK who was given 5 years to live dumped her hubby and moved in with her high school crush. I kind of wonder if the hubby is actually happy she left….

 

New report finds that there 40 million slaves in the world and 25% of them are children.

 

They have found an extinct frog that was capable of eating dinosaurs…..yeah they call them Cane Toads…….How’s the footy going roaches of the south.

 

Headline reads….’What you need to know about changes to the Pap Smear Test’….didn’t read the article as I do not have the necessary equipment nor the inclination to have said test.

 

Ok that’s enough….Really sorry to all my Victorian readers…..you should probably go grab some lunch now that you have finished reading the MNW now…..and well done on getting all the way to the end.

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20th September 2017 Morning News Wrap.

M68!: Morning News Wrap. From around the Globe to your Frontal Lobe. Good Morning. Here is the News:

Dumb News Websites…here were the main stories from this morning on one of them…

Sophia Monk winning bachelor has apparently been revealed.

A video of the CBA branch that was lit….IN NOV LAST YEAR.

Five stories about football….all in the headlines.

A $20,000 block quiz.

A vid of Modern Family star having a wardrobe malfunction.

Peter Fitzsimons has a gay friend and apparently this was newsworthy.

The 8 words you will never hear a royal say….Probably are ‘I don’t want to move to New Zealand’.

5 women all wore the same dress to a wedding…

 

What constitutes news these days is alarming.

 

So here is some real news.

 

Syrian troops cross the Euphrates River.

 

Eiffel Tower goes bullet proof.

 

Britain is No.1 in Europe for Jihadist Propaganda. Wonder where Australia rates for Brainwashing propaganda to leftist agendas at the moment….is there a position above No. 1.

 

Police cars torched in Georgia, USA.

 

A Victorian woman struck down with the flu has given birth whilst she is in a coma.

 

Migrants shutdown a French University Campus.

 

US opens first permanent Military base in Israel….Iran says ‘not happy Jan’. Which doesn’t sound as funny in Arabic.

 

Senate approves $700 billion military budget.

 

A woman called 000 for an ambulance as she was experiencing pain….She lived in Ballart and they sent a cab.

 

New Aussie $10 goes into circulation. Please can you send me a couple. If everyone did that….I would be happy.

 

Two men dead following a glider crash in South East Queensland.

 

Rohingy Muslim’s being wiped off the map in Myanmar.

 

Turbulence may be a thing of the past….Boeing is working on fixing it.

 

Mexico shaken by a 7.1 magnitude shake, collapsing buildings.

 

Wall Street up 39 points.

 

Chicago deploys more police as the city marks its 500th homicide for the year.

 

Have an amazing Wednesday.

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19th September 2017 Morning News Wrap.

M68!: Morning News Wrap. From around the Globe to your Frontal Lobe. Good Morning. Here is the News:

 

Melbourne Family grieving after their little 8 year daughter died from the flu.

 

An international student has been killed in a car crash in Sydney’s West just two months after arriving to study.

 

A 25 year old man has been charged with the murder of his mother after her body was found in Avalon.

 

Pauline Hanson blames immigrants for congestion on the Gold Coast’s M1.

 

Former Cricketer Bob Holland has died.

 

Nicole Kidman won an Emmy and thanked only two of her four children….Whoops….I guess when you have so many….

 

Parents are being warned to check their kids for ticks after a ’horror tick season’. Just when you thought it was safe to go back to the park.

 

The complaints against the recent Lamb ad have been rejected….apparently they have had the wool pulled over their eyes….Anyway the Ad Agency are now considered the black sheep of the family….oh wait….can’t say black.

 

Ice-cool Soviet officer who averted WWIII quietly dies…. Thank you Mr Russian for not pressing the button.

 

Trump wants to make the UN great again…but then backs down by suggesting that the UN has never been great.

 

Wall Street up 63 points.

 

Over 3000 new US troops head to Afghanistan.

 

Malaysia scraps an annual beer festival due to complaints from the Islamic Party.

 

Pueto Rico and Virgin Islands brace for another major Hurricane, Maria….Here is a fun fact….Richard Branson was once stuck on the Virgin Islands after a holiday and after a commercial airline cancelled a flight….so he hired a plane and then sold tickets to the other stranded passengers and flew home….and thus was the first flight of the now named Virgin Airlines.

 

3 people have been killed and 16 injured in a bus crash in Queens.

 

16-year-old girl has been raped by Asylum Seekers in Germany.

 

The water at Niagara Falls has become black and smelly.

 

Have a super Tuesday.

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18th September 2017 Morning News Wrap

M68!: Morning News Wrap. From around the Globe to your Frontal Lobe. Good Morning. Here is the News:
 
Ibrahim brothers extradited from Dubai after being arrested for drug smuggling….well that will wreck a Dubai holiday.
 
A 16 year old girl has been traumatized by three clowns in Perth…the girl was pushed and scratched.
 
Australia crashes out of the Davis Cup.
 
Brawl breaks out at Gold Coast football final. Wait up…so there was a few punches thrown at a footy match….why is this news….lol….especially on the Gold Coast. Oh wait…it was at an AFL game…that’s not really football so that’s why.
 
Headline reads….Why some Aussies sound bogan? I know why…because they come from Victoria.
 
MNW staff upsets Victorians with the last two news stories. And so unreservedly apologize….All staff are very sorry you live in Victoria.
 
Let’s move on.
 
President Trump has had a phone call with South Korean President Moon…unfortunately UN General Secretary Banki Moon was not involved in the call because then it would have been Moon Moon Trump….which sounds like the results of a losing scratchie. If only there were three Moons you win $25,000.
 
True story…President Trump has referred to the North Korean President as Rocket Man in a tweet. So I posted Elton John’s Rocket Man for your meditation this morning on a Nuclear Asia. I actually think Trump should be code named Ground Control and South Korean President Major Tom. Then the following exchange could be heard.
Ground Control to Major Tom
Ground Control to Major Tom
Take your protein pills and put your helmet on
Ground Control to Major Tom (ten, nine, eight, seven, six)
Commencing countdown, engines on (five, four, three)
Check ignition and may God’s love be with you (two, one, liftoff)
 
Acid thrown at America tourists in Marseilles.
 
Woman arrested in Paris after airport security scare.
 
Plane with passengers on board crashes into catering truck at Manchester Airport….should have gone to specsavers.
 
Pools of blood found on a street outside Louisiana Funeral Home…any weird comments here are wildly appropriated so I will not being saying anything about Home Delivery.
 
Petrol Bombs and tear gas in Athens at anniversary of Antifa rapper’s murder…so people were upset and crying and the police said….what is needed here is more tears….
 
A woman in the US has stabbed her boyfriend after finding him naked on top of her 12 year old daughter. He was stabbed 5 times….good.
 
A one year old boy in the US has died after his father left him in a steam filled bathroom to help his cough congestion.
 
You are now across all the major news items in the world. Go and get your Monday on.
 
 
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16th September 2017 Morning News Wrap

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M68!: Morning News Wrap. From around the Globe to your Frontal Lobe. Good Morning. Here is the News:

 

ISIS (read representatives of the Religion of Peace) claim responsibility for a bucket bomb on a crowded London Underground Train. 29 people have been injured. The explosion only partially exploded which may have saved people.

 

UK Terror Threat Level raised from severe to critical. The PM says that another attack is imminent. But she has said that the Military Forces will provide protection and reassurance….I have to say with the number of attacks in London this year….I am not sure any reassurance has any level of credibility. Maybe instead of raising the Terror Threat Level they should try and raise the credibility level.

 

America says it is considering Military action against North Korea and I think its awesome that they announce this and let North Korea know…..#greatmomentsinwar.

 

NASA’s Cassini spacecraft has plunged into Saturn at 113,000ks/hour ending a 20 year mission. It took just a minute to burn up which is about the same time a first generation North Korean rocket used to fly. As this planet is the only one with Rings, there is a push on Social Media to rename the planet Beyoncé as God put on ring on it.

 

A Western Sydney Teen is recovery after being hit in the head by an Axe in a Maccas.

 

Brisbane beat Penrith in the NRL Finals.

 

5 year old girl has been attacked by a man on a Sydney street…..the attacker ran off after the little girl screamed for help, alerting her mother.

 

In the US a man has been shot 16 times for holding a toy gun…..seems a little excessive.

 

A Nun in Miami has been filmed helping in the cleanup after she grabbed a chain saw and starting cutting up storm debris in the full nun uniform….hope she doesn’t make this a habit…see pic.

 

Pakistani Christian sentenced to death for sending an Islamic insulting poem via Whatsapp.

 

Saudi Cleric declares war on Birthdays.

 

Man shouting ‘Alluha Akbar’ has attacked two women with a hammer in France.

 

Russia slashes interest rates as its economy stalls. I think when your currency is called the Ruble which is very close to the word Rubble, maybe a name change is in order….Maybe the Glasnost or the Gorbachev….or the Trump.

 

A hoon driver has bitten the ears off a Good Samaritan who came to help him after he crashed his car in Adelaide. In an eerie development, the hoon also attacked police. Police are trying to identify if Mike Tyson is in Australia.

 

Nick Xenephon is currently saying something on SkyNews as I watch it…..but all I can hear is yadda yadda yadda and then my brain is asking where is my bacon.

 

Eastern Brown Snake found in a Brisbane house in an underwear draw….Yeah many comments but its too easy so I will leave it.

 

A British tourist has been snatched by a croc in Sri Lanka as he washed his hands.

 

That will do for today. Hey if your Mum is still alive, give her a call. She misses you. Tell her I said Hi and that I asked you to call…..That should start an interesting conversation.

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15th September 2017 Morning News Wrap

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M68!: Morning News Wrap. From around the Globe to your Frontal Lobe. Good Morning. Here is the News:

 

12 year old Tiahleigh Palmer’s 18 year old foster brother, who slept with her, thinking he had then made her pregnant which caused her foster father to kill her…..has been sentenced to four years in jail….but with a year already served he will be out in Jan 2018….So an adult male has sex with a child (ultimately leading to her death) and he gets 18 months in jail. What the hell man?

 

Aussie cricket great Dean Jones, commentating on cricket in Kabul has been caught up in a terrorist suicide bomb which saw three people killed.

 

A magpie has attacked two young boys in a Perth Park. One of the boys will possibly lose his sight in one of his eyes.

 

Melbourne woman found dead 5 days after going missing.

 

Headline reads ‘Why is coke from Maccas so good?’ Well here is breaking news….its not….is tastes like watered down cat urine…..not that I know what that tastes like…but if I had to guess….

 

Myer to close some stores due to poor sales…..I guess they didn’t find wonderful after all.

 

Elusive Parrot found in South Australia….well clearly its not that elusive.

 

Qantas bumps a 94 year old woman off a flight, Sydney to Port Macquaire, because they had overbooked it…..Ah the spirit of Australia.

 

Stickers on fruit are going the way of good service by Qantas…..gone….replaced by tattoos…..and that’s what we all want…..an apple with ink.

 

Two Virgin flight attendants have been hospitalized, one with a broken leg, after flight turbulence into Adelaide.

 

A teen boy in the US has fatally shot his mum in the back of her head as she slept because she wouldn’t let him have a puppy.

 

World’s oldest Panda has died. See pic….did you know when a Panda dies, its black spots disappear.

 

Fire at a Malaysian Islamic Boarding school has killed 23 students and two staff.

 

Finnish woman abducted in Afghanistan has been released.

 

North Korea says it plans to sink Japan. They do know Japan is not the name of a US warship right?

 

Caribbean running out of food supplies.

 

Grenfell Tower Inquiry opens.

 

Selena Gomez has had a kidney transplant.

 

I was kidding about the Panda….pic is of a sleeping polar bear.

 

Have a great Friday.

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