M68!: Morning News Wrap. From around the Globe to your Frontal Lobe. Good Morning. Here is the News:
With today being Boxing Day, the news wrap is written by a physically and emotionally exhausted Santa Claus.
Queen’s Christmas message was ‘We can do small things with great love’….which is beautiful but you can also do huge things with great love….like visiting every child on the planet giving gifts….Oh I don’t do Aleppo due to the Russian no fly zone.
Couple married for 64 years grasp hands in the final moments of their life as they died of old age at the same time. So beautiful….Mrs Claus has been grasping my credit card for the last 64 years. Is that the same. Don’t tell her I said that….She scares me. Now where’s that number for Relationships Australia.
Russian plane carrying 91 vanishes on route to Syria. Hey I fly that route each year and it’s treacherous. The turbulence is worse than the men’s rest room at Café Curry in a Hurry in Mumbai, India.
Christmas Miracle in the US with Cleveland winning the first match of the NFL year…No need to thank me.
Canadian nurses soothe premature baby with Christmas Carols…Yeah I bet she was singing Santa Clause is coming to town. Christians talk about the return of Christ….well I return every year…so…. Wow Pete is going to get in trouble for that one.
Status Quo guitarist has died at 68. No need to freak out. Maintain the status quo.
A US Marine has surprised his mother by returning home from Iraq and pretending to be the waiter at a restaurant; She had ordered the curry. No need to thank me.
An elephant sat on the head of another elephant and farted and this makes the news. I am sorry boys and girls but you are growing up in a world where news sites do not know what news stories are. Just like Waleed from The Project, who for the record got no visit from Santa as he assumed that Santa was some conspiracy from the Australian Christian Lobby to destroy the fabric of the humanistic godless society he hopes Australia has become.
Speaking of news stories….headline reads Hell on Earth….Story is about a Canadian Adventurer who apparently walked into the heart of a live volcano. Hell on earth is what the cleaner thinks about a certain café in Mumbai.
One of the churches that was at the centre of a terrorist plot in Melbourne over the last few days has been packed out for Christmas Services….and good for all those people who wanted to embody the Christmas Spirit and not be intimidated by terrorist thugs…..But as Santa who only visits your shores once a year I have to say that its been alarming to see how much in the last two years that terrorist chatter in the media and everyday life has crept into the Aussie psych……go back 10 years…..would you have ever imagined that we would be celebrating the attendance at an Aussie church that was about to be blown up by terrorists at Christmas had the plot not been foiled by the Police.
A man dressed as Santa….wait up what…..has tried to set a Melbourne Brothel on fire……IT WASN’T ME PEOPLE….see this is the problem with franchising my brand out….delegate they said….it would be fun they said…..and now Santa is being a dipstick. No No No……I had a really funny comment here but the politically correct voice in my head said No No No….
It being called the Costanza effect….adults are moving back in with their parents….now listen here grown up boys and girls…..if you are over 27 and still living with mummy and daddy you need to understand two things…..mummy and daddy don’t want you there they are just too polite to say it and secondly….Santa Claus doesn’t visit people like you.
That will do….I am tired…..its been a big 24 hours…..the elves are in a food coma….its still Christmas in America and I have plenty more presents to deliver. 76% of those are to the Kardashian Kids and I am still looking for the present for Trump that will make America great again. Hilary is getting a dummy this year cause you spat hers out about 6 weeks ago. Anyway that’s it. Hope you had a Merry Christmas. Let’s do all this again in 364 days.