26th August 2017 Morning News Wrap

latest.jpg

 

M68!: Morning News Wrap. From around the Globe to your Frontal Lobe. Good Morning. Here is the News:

 

Big News Day.

 

A car in Brisbane has done a U-turn into the rising sun and didn’t see a group of 5 cyclists that he consequently ran down. All 5 were injured.

 

Laurie Daley sacked from being Blues State of Origin Coach…..As a Queenslander I am disappointed that this has happened…..I was such a fan of his breathtaking incompetence.

 

A Scientific study has proved that women are better than men….yeah better at cooking and using the washing machine…..Yeah I’ll get in trouble for that one.

 

WIFEY WHERE’s MY MORNING COFFEE….I am kidding…..I don’t drink coffee….Waiting for my tea.

 

Qantas made lots of money last financial year. I feel partially responsible.

 

Speaking of making lots of money…the retiring head of Australia Post has been given a $10.8 million Golden Handshake…..He earnt in a day what the average postie earns in a year….and now I am sounding like a communist……probably be accused of being a leftie again….Which I love cause its so entertaining and so different to being accused of being a right wing conservative……Personally I use both wings as that’s the only way the bird can fly….Now I will be accused of being a Rudd type factionless middle of the road beige….you could say….Rudderless lol…Ok that’s enough about wings.

 

Aussie Deputy PM has been nominated as Kiwi of the Year….Ha ha…..just don’t ask Johnny Depp for his vote.

 

21 year old Victorian girl missing.

 

Touch Footy Ref has a broken jaw after a player expressed his disagreement with a call.

 

Pakistani is now the 5th largest nation in the world.

 

Medibank Private made HALF A BILLION DOLLARS PROFIT last financial year…..Let’s all remember that when they cry poor to the Government early next year saying they are going broke and need to lift premiums.

 

Buckingham Palace is in lockdown after a man attacked police outside the Queen’s House.

 

Soldiers have shot and killed a machete wielding man in Brussels.

 

Disaster looms as Hurricane Harvey bears down on Texas….Over 1 metre of rain is expected. Thousands are refusing to evacuate as they think the warnings are all hype…..(Probably blaming Trump). Oh wait for these same people to scream for rescue when the storm hits. This is a category 3 storm and the most powerful Hurricane to make main land US since Hurricane Hilary threatened to win the US Election…..I mean the most powerful for over a decade.

 

The price of oil has surged due to Harvey so fill up your cars this morning people…..even though our petrol prices are linked to the Singapore Crude Oil Price…ours will still go up.

 

A priest in the US has peddled child porn to punish God for his poker losses….Wow just wow. Sorry I meant to say….Idiot.

 

A spiritual guru in India has been found guilty of two counts of rape….SO…his followers have gone on the rampage and now 29 people are dead…..Head shaking moment.

 

Three visually impaired rodents have been attacked by the spouse of an agriculturalist who cut off their tales with a knife.

 

Wall Street up 30 points.

 

Over 100 sex slaves have been stopped and turned back at a Scottish Airport.

 

13 people killed in a blast and shooting at a Mosque in Kabul….because those in the religion of peace don’t just kill infidels….they kill each other too.

 

Anyway….there was more but you have the majors.